Monday, February 24, 2014

Michelle Obama: Malia and Sasha “Want Nothing to Do with Us”

The Obamas

The First Lady and new Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon have established themselves as a winning content-generating duo, having collaborated on the "Evolution of Mom-Dancing" clip, about a year ago, which has accrued more than 17 million YouTube views at this point. Michelle Obama returned to pay Fallon a visit last night, to help close out his first week on the job. This time around, she appeared in a skit with Fallon and Will Ferrell called "Ew" in which Fallon and Ferrell play teenage girls, who greet their new friend Michelle. The skit oscillates between Saturday Night Live-style wackiness (Michelle gives an excellent "shy face") and Sesame Street-style pedanticism (Michelle spends much of the clip advocating for healthy eating and exercise), but it's all worth it to her Michelle's take on the vocal fry-inflected "ew."



Later in the show, Obama sat down with Fallon for an interview segment, and she was on fire, offering all kinds of quips about the Obama family life:
On Malia and Sasha, after Fallon asked if they'd be watching her appearance on the show: "They are 15 and 12. They want nothing to do with us. They want normalcy and the White House is not normal." She said Malia has told her, when asked if she wants to have any friends over, that "no one wants to come to the White House." (Perhaps they've all been watching too much Scandal, and assume the White House is constantly under seige and/or the setting for trysts and murders.)



Malia will soon be learning how to drive, and Michelle has given the citizens of D.C. fair warning. "Ladies and gentlemen in D.C., watch out," she joked. "I have security but look out."
The president can cook . . . not that anyone would know. "Yes, he can [cook]," Michelle responded when asked. "He doesn't. [He's cooked] five times for me." It wasn't all jokes and anecdotes, though. Michelle also discussed the Let's Move campaign, now in its fourth year (she encouraged Americans to post pictures on social media in which they're "moving").
And she also touched on Obamacare, telling Fallon young people could be "knuckleheads," assuming they're invincible, and they needed to sign up, yelling, "It's working," when Fallon started to give details about the site.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Lockerbie: A story beyond tragedy, a story of curling and Olympic pride

Lockerbie has become synonymous with a 1988 air disaster, but it has an Olympic legacy, too. (Getty Images) I am in a curling hall that sits on the Russian coast of the Black Sea, trying to write a story about a town that sits near the Scottish coast of the North Atlantic, a town I should have written about a dozen years ago. My own selfishness and failures got in the way. I hope this somehow helps make it right.
Inside the hall Friday, a 35-year-old named David Murdoch led Great Britain's curling team into the gold-medal match against Canada at the Sochi Games, and the most incredible thing was happening: Murdoch was going to win an Olympic medal less than 24 hours after two other women from his small town won curling bronze.
The world knows about this town, only it doesn't. It knows that a terrorist planted a bomb in a 747, and the 747 exploded over the town. It knows that all 259 people aboard Pan Am 103 died and the wreckage killed 11 on the ground. It knows – or at least it thinks it knows – that an incredible sadness has saddled the town ever since, that tragedy knows no statute of limitations.
I know another side of Lockerbie, Scotland. That's the story I prefer to tell.
------
My first night in Lockerbie, I got sick, the sort of sick you remember 12 years later. A bad piece of chicken Kiev was the culprit, which I suppose was proper penance for ordering chicken Kiev at a Scottish pub. My hosts on the trip, a wonderful couple named Alistair and Sue Stevenson, felt terrible. Sue offered a glass of water. Alistair offered to teach me how to drink like a true Scotsman, scoffing at my chicken story despite my protestations that I could handle three pints, thank you very much.
For the next 10 days, and another week a few months later, the Stevensons became my second family and Lockerbie my second home. It is a visually staggering place, with rolling hills that pitch upward toward the Lockerbie Golf Club. I played a round there with a couple seniors, both named Bob, who called themselves the Abominable Slow Men. I watched a soapbox-derby-style race and ate fish and chips and went to the small gambling parlor and hit countless farms around the area, including a few with a guy who hunted moles for a living, just as his dad had. I even wore a kilt, replete with a sporran and knife and all the accouterments, and danced. Horribly.


And when I thought I couldn't feel any more Scottish, Alistair took me up the road to the Lockerbie Ice Rink, the heart of the town. The rink served as Lockerbie's social hub, its sporting essence, its truest jewel. Of all the places to churn out elite curlers, Lockerbie, a town of about 4,000, became to Scotland what the Kalenjin tribe is to Kenyan runners. Scotland is curling's birthplace. The polished granite stones used in every top-level match come from Alisa Craig, a tiny isle about 10 miles off the west coast. Children are born into the game, and Lockerbie makes it especially easy for them to adopt it: The rink is across the street from Lockerbie Academy.
We walked onto the ice, slipped on the proper footwear to help us glide, grabbed the broom used to sweep the ice and started sliding. The technique was easy enough to pick up after throwing a couple stones: Step back with the left leg, push off a step mounted into the ice, slide the right leg and let the stone go with the ever slightest bit of spin to help it curl toward the button, or the middle of the target. Mastery of technique and proficiency, of course, were not bedfellows. All of us novices at the rink were dreadful curlers.
Which did not matter. The point of curling was enjoyment, both on the ice and afterward in the pub that sat next to the sheets. We guzzled our drinks and laughed about how bad we were and carried on late into the night, because that's what you do in Lockerbie.
------
The story was always there, in that rink back in Lockerbie, a nerve center for the town's past, present and future. During my visits, a local historian explained how and why it was built in 1966, and a person who helped in the aftermath of Pan Am 103 talked about how it served as a makeshift morgue, and Alistair, then the chairman of the rink, beamed at what it had become: not just a place with top-notch coaching to yield champion after Scottish champion but somewhere that just as well encouraged a group of amateurs a few drinks deep to partake.
I was there to help write a book. During my senior year at Syracuse University, two professors wanted to use words and pictures to tell the story of present-day Lockerbie, a humble Scottish town with a soul that far exceeds its unimaginable misfortune. Thirty-five of the passengers on Pan Am 103 went to Syracuse, and over the years the school and Lockerbie forged an incredible relationship. Two Lockerbie Academy students take a gap year at Syracuse annually. The university hands out Remembrance Scholarships in honor of the victims to its best and brightest students. The book would deepen the bond.
I never wrote the story, or any of the others assigned. I graduated that spring, got a job and prioritized it over the book. Another student on the trip asked me when I would write the stories. I told her soon. I had every intention of doing so. My job – my egocentrism – got in the way. One of the professors reached out. I was too ashamed to respond. The embarrassment still eats at me.
Then about 48 hours ago, a colleague emailed me. He knew I had visited Lockerbie. There's a great story, he said: David Murdoch is from there. Perhaps I could write something about it.
Immediately, the shame crept back. It felt, I don't know, wrong, like I blew my opportunity the first time. And then I started thinking, and maybe it was rationalizing, or selfishness masked as something else, but everybody else was going to write about Murdoch and Pan Am 103, how he was in his dad's car less than 1,000 feet from where the fuselage hit, because that's all anybody knows or cares to learn about Lockerbie. Murdoch deserved more. The town deserved more. And I don't know if I can deliver that, but I wanted to try.
------
Murdoch grew up in the Lockerbie Ice Rink. His father, Matt, is a national champion curler, as is his sister, Nancy, and Murdoch won a European Championship with his brother, Neil. Curling originated as a game for farmers, and like so many in Lockerbie, where the biggest employer is the Lockerbie Creamery – "The Cheesy," people there call it – the Murdochs were dairy farmers. Matt met his wife, Marion, at a Young Farmers movement event, and they've been married for 44 years.


Curling has taken them all around the world. Matt's and Marion's passports include dozens of stamps. And while they've seen Murdoch beat 2010 Olympic gold medalistKevin Martin and win a pair of world championships and assert himself as one of the sport's best skips – the skip does everything from strategize targets for his three teammates to throw the final two stones of every end – this was bigger, almost too big for their nerves.
A day earlier, they watched Anna Sloan and Claire Hamilton win a pair of bronze medals. They represented hope. Neither was born when Pan Am 103 crashed. Both flourished in post-disaster Lockerbie. To complement that with a gold medal – to call Lockerbie the hometown of Olympic gold medalist David Murdoch – would sound so wonderful. It would give people something else to call the to.
Though, in truth, it could just as easily be called the unlikeliest curling power around. Everyone has a theory why. Maybe it's the proximity of the rink or the emphasis on its importance or the farmer's good stock. Matt turned toward Alan Durno, the president of the Royal Caledonian Curling Club that serves as the governing body of Scottish curling, and sought his opinion.
"Alan, why do so many good ones come out of Lockerbie?" Matt asked.
"You started them when they were young," Durno said.
Murdoch threw his first stone before age 10. The Lockerbie Ice Rink offers club games for children as young as 6. The wee ones all go to the same teacher. She reared Murdoch, Sloan and Hamilton. And her theory on why Lockerbie produces so many great curlers is simple.
"Because," Marion said with a cheeky grin, "I've taught them."
------
The bagpipers outside the Ice Cube Curling Center kept upping the ante. First they were playing "When I'm Sixty-Four," and then "House of the Rising Sun," and then "We Will Rock You," and when they blew the opening riff to "Thunderstruck," Marion Murdoch couldn't help herself. She jumped and spun, spun and jumped, locked arms with whoever offered her one in return, going from person to person, spreading love like she always does.


Although she was joking, Marion was right. She does make Lockerbie curling great. She and all of the others who infuse in children a love for the sport and an appreciation for what Lockerbie does have, not what it doesn't. It has all 4,000 of its people, its teachers and farmers and mole hunters and lawyers, shutting down their businesses and closing school early Friday so the town can come together to watch David Murdoch.
Over the last two weeks, he led Great Britain to a 5-4 round-robin record, won a tie-breaker against Norway 6-5 with two points in the final end, upset top-seeded Sweden 6-5 in the semifinals with another two-point 10th and found himself here, skipping for gold.
About a half-hour before the match started, the bagpipers took a short break. It was time to go into the arena. Before Matt and Marion headed toward their seats, Matt turned toward me.
"It's finally a happy story about Lockerbie," he said.
------
About 15 minutes before the first stone slid across the sheet, Matt Murdoch eyed his son's practice throws. He and Marion sat in the front row. As she strung up Union Jack bunting that matched her vest, Matt looked for the small tells of how his son would perform in the most important match of his life.
"When he plays his stone, I just watch his body language to know to know if it's right or not," Matt said. "Oh, yeah. He'll keep [his body] down there if it's good. If he jumps up too early, stands up, you know it's not right."
Canada entered the match a strong favorite. It beat Great Britain in their round-robin game 7-5 and found ample bulletin-board material for the gold-medal game when British coach Soren Gran complained about the Canadians' fist-pumping on-ice demeanor. Matt tried to project confidence anyway, in interviews with the BBC and calm looks when cameras from across the arena framed him in tight zooms.
Marion converted any anxiety into bellowing. In the middle of the first end, she started to chant:
We'll be coming
We'll be coming
We'll be coming down the road
When you hear the noise of the Tartan Army boys
We'll be coming down the road


Marion punctuated the classic Scottish sporting mantra with a woo-woo or a choo-choo, and others joined in. When she wasn't wooing or chooing, she was tooting on a horn, always making noise, good or bad. Canada went up 2-0 in the first end, Murdoch missed a chance to tie it in the second end and settled for one point, Canada followed with a monster three-point end, Murdoch missed another shot in the fourth, and just like that the score was 6-1, practically insurmountable against a team as precise as Canada.
"It's just one of these days you can't figure out," Matt said. "They weren't expecting it. We weren't expecting it. He'll be disappointed for himself and his team, and for his supporters, but he'll play on."
Marion kept waving her flag, and Murdoch remained off, and she kept singing anyway, urging her son to keep coming down the road. Durno, the governing body president, yawned.
"That's a terrible one," he said.
"I feel sorry for the boys," Matt said.
"It's rather unfortunate," Marion said.
The arena went so quiet two toddlers' cries echoed off the ceiling. Marion stopped singing. Murdoch missed another shot. It was obvious. He stood up quickly, just like his father said he would.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Never Forget and Never Forgive 9/11

Never Forget, Never Forgive 9/11 
Click the picture for the Remember the Blood of Heroes slideshow which serves as a reminder of reality while the apologists and buffoons seek to paper over what happened 12 years ago today.

Speaking of apologists and buffoons, I wonder if Barack Obama and his flying monkeys will need ear plugs today as the 2 Million Bikers hit Washington DC:





And like most American citizens these folks have some bones to pick with the chattering class that infests the Obama administration and the Washington DC environs.



Reminds me of the Sons of Liberty forming up and heading to Tea Stamp HQ.




Here they come indeed:

Summer Hoot August

Ensconced in our new apartment in DUMBO, between the Brooklyn Bridge and Manhattan Bridges and overlooking the East River. Have some huge news to report on the personal front: Rubina and I are engaged and she's expecting a baby in late December. We're very excited, to say the least. 
I'm told this will change my life and I don't don't doubt it, but I do hope to continue making records and playing shows. In fact, I've been working on a new LP lately with Producer/musician Matt Brandau that is sounding groovy. That said, my latest LP BOHEMIA is available on iTunes here, at shows, and  via PayPal here. Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 
SUMMER HOOT – AUGUST 23, 24, 25
The Summer Hoot is upon us. This new summer festival is happening at the Ashok Center in Olivebridge, NY on August 23, 24, and 25. My friends Mike + Ruthy are the organizers... here's the schedule. I'll be playing two solo sets – Friday at 10pm and Sunday at 2pm. There will be camping, great local food, art activities and nature programs for all ages. Come hang! Buy your advance tickets here. 
The Amazing line-up of performers at the Summer Hoot, in alphabetical order: Kristin Andreassen, Dan Bern, The Big Takeover, Robert Sarazin Blake, Burnell Pines, The Cupcakes, Death Vessel, The Dirt Farmer Band (featuring Larry Campbell, Teresa Williams, Amy Helm, Byron Isaacs and Justin Guip), Mikhael Horowitz & Gilles Malkine, The Ivy Vine Players, Natalie Merchant, Chris Merenda, Mike + Ruthy, Elizabeth Mitchell & Dan Zanes, The Murphy Beds, AC Newman, Adrien Reju, Pete Seeger, The Stacks, Richie Stearns & Rosie Newton, Story Laurie and Friends, Happy Traum, Uncle Rock, Jay Ungar & Molly Mason, Lindsey Webster, The Wiyos, and the Zucchini Brothers.
EUROPEAN TOUR RECAP
Had a wonderful time in July on my European tour supporting BOHEMIA. Traveling solo with your guitar slung over your shoulder is always an eye-opening and reinvigorating experience. What a treat it was to share the stage with talents like Jim Boggia, Mick Terry, Danny George Wilson, Kathy Ziegler, and Justin Lavash. Met some great people along the way, of course. Many thanks to my hosts AJ and Judith Terlouw, Bill Pixley, and Mary Liles for putting me , if you'd like to have a look.

Let's Active Bassist Faye Hunter (and sweet friend) has passed awa. I had just seen her recently at the Winston-Salem NC Centennial Celebration. I will never forget the night she came to see our high school band at 'The Riff' in Winston in the mid-'80s. She was one of our heroes and we were nervous. To be honest, we weren't very good. At the end of the show, she told me that we sounded "like the Bobby Fuller Four." Sweet and encouraging... that's the way she's been every time I've seen her or talked to her since then. A true gentle soul. Rest in peace, Faye. You deserved a lot better. We love you.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Kate Middleton, Queen Elizabeth II Greet Helen Mirren, Other Stars at Buckingham Palace

Middleton showed off her slim figure at the event in a red Alexander McQueen dress while standing alongside the Queen to greet guests. The new mom wore the same dress to the Thames Diamond Jubilee Pageant on the River Thames back in June 2012. The Duchess accessorized the look Monday by carrying an Anya Hindmarch "Maud" clutch, wearing Cassandra Goad "Temple of Heaven" earrings and Prada shoes.

Monday's reception was held to honor Britain's theater and film talent, and was attended by actors, playwrights, teachers, producers and directors. Among the stars in attendance wereHelen Mirren, Uma ThurmanHugh LaurieHelena Bonham CarterJoan CollinsJoely RichardsonGemma Arterton,Roger MooreSteve McQueenHarvey WeinsteinRalph Fiennes, and Angela Lansbury.
The Queen and Middleton chatted with a small group of the invited 250 guests in the White Drawing Room before moving into the Ballroom for a series of short performances, including students of RADA performing from Oh! What a Lovely War.

On Sunday, Feb. 16, Middleton's husband Prince William awarded Mirren with an academy fellowship at the BAFTAs in London. While presenting the award, William, 31, jokingly referred to Mirren, 68, as "granny," as she has often portrayed the Queen in film.
When Middleton met Mirren on Monday she joked to her: "I hear my husband called you granny last night."

Friday, February 14, 2014

Kate Middleton Is Radiant in Bright Blue Dress at Art Room Opening: Pictures

The Duchess does it again! Kate Middleton redefined the winter blues in a bright, crisp cerulean dress at the official opening of the ICAP Art Room at Northolt High School in Ealing, London, on Friday, Feb. 14.
Arriving at the school at around 10:30 a.m., the Duchess of Cambridge was radiant and smiling as she greeted the crowds of kids in the hall. She looked slim in her LK Bennett "Detroit" dress, which had elbow-length sleeves and a square collar. A Cartier Ballon Bleu watch, Kiki McDonough amethyst and diamond earrings, and a simple black clutch completed the look.

The students at Northolt were thrilled to see her and erupted into cheers and applause as she walked through the sports hall. "There's so many of you!" she exclaimed, waving, before stepping into a short Art Room session. 
The ICAP Art Room will serve up to 60 students per work, and is meant to offer art therapy to children between the ages of 5 and 16 who face various challenges in their lives. Northolt's Art Room is the seventh in the country; there are also locations in Oxford and London.

"The Art Room has been a wonderful and most welcome addition to the learning community of Northolt High School," head teacherGloria Lowe said of the national charity, of which Prince William's wife has been a Royal Patron since 2012. "It is a creative space that is providing a high quality intervention led by professional and dedicated staff," she continued. "We look forward to the ongoing impact that the Art Room will have on the attitudes to learning, confidence, and sense of safety of those students who benefit from this provision."

Elsewhere in England, Princes William and Harry made an unannounced visit to Datchet in Berkshire to help with flood response. They arrived on the scene at 6 a.m. and promptly got to work shifting sandbags with Household Cavalry.
"They wanted to show their support for the flood victims and felt the most appropriate way to do that was through the Armed Forces relief effort," a Kensington Palace spokesman told Us.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Rare image shows great white shark losing tooth during airborne attack on seal

great white shark

A photographer off South Africa recently captured the moment a large great white shark breached the surface during an ambush attack on an unsuspecting seal.
What he soon found out was that in one of his images was a large triangular-shaped tooth, flying through the air.
great white shark

Not a big deal for the shark. Great whites possess the ability to replace lost teeth rather quickly, and may lose more than 35,000 teeth in a lifetime.
But it was a huge deal for the photographer, David Jenkins, because his rare image reveals more about the dynamics of a white shark’s ambush attack.
“It all happened incredibly quickly,” he told the Daily Mail. “I didn’t know the shark had lost its tooth until I zoomed in on the image in the back of my camera to check if the photo was sharp and in focus.
“I have never seen this happen or even seen a photo of this happening on a real seal hunt before. It’s definitely a unique shot.”
The waters near Cape Town boast a large population of great white sharks, which sometimes launch airborne during their attacks. (Posted below is a super-slow-motion video showing the event.)

Jenkins, 41, said he had spent weeks on boats trying to obtain the perfect shot and knew this day could be productive, because the cloud cover had turned everything gray.
“The clouds make it much more difficult for the seal to spot the shark and its gray back makes for perfect camouflage,” he explained. “The final pictures were definitely worth the wait, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.”

Friday, February 7, 2014

Kate Middleton Leaving Prince William to Attend BAFTAs Alone This Year

There will be a little extra star dust at this month's BAFTA awards ceremony in London - Prince William will be walking the red carpet at the Royal Opera House in London. As patron of the charity and a keen movie buff, the Prince has previously attended the awards night and had a whale of a time meeting Hollywood royalty. Royal Watch has learned that BAFTA CEO Amanda Berry has been working hard to convince the Prince to take some time out of his studies at Cambridge to come out for the night.

"The Prince has been very busy, but he has made time in his diary on a Sunday to be there," a source tells me. The Prince won't be accompanied by his wife, Kate. As I revealed recently, the couple are planning more solo engagements in order to fulfill as many commitments as possible. As well as being guest of honor, Prince William will present actress Dame Helen Mirren with the Academy Fellowship, the highest accolade bestowed by the Academy. Of course Dame Helen is most famous for her amazing portrayal of Queen Elizabeth in The Queen by Stephen Frears, for which she won an Oscar in 2007.
She once claimed to be "nothing like the Queen… I am not all scones and teacups, I'm more biscuits and D-cups" but William is privately said to have thought Dame Helen bore an uncanny resemblance to his grandmother.

Amanda Berry OBE, chief executive of BAFTA, said: "We are delighted to welcome our president back to the EE British Academy Film Awards. The Duke loves film and he is incredibly supportive of the work BAFTA does."

Prince WilliamPrince William

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Sailfish leaps into boat, anglers abandon ship

Sailfish leaps into boat

Sailfish often leap while trying to shake a fisherman’s hook, and very rarely they’ll jump into a boat, which typically inspires pandemonium.
But when this occurred recently off Costa Rica, the two anglers—possibly the first mate and a client—decided that the only sure way to avoid being injured was to abandon ship.The accompanying footage, uploaded by Crocodile Bay Lodg shows a sailfish leaping and flailing as it’s being reeled toward the stern. In most cases sailfish will sound or try to avoid boats, but this fish was coming in fast and did not seem to realize a boat was in its way.
The captain, who presumably was videotaping the catch, can be heard yelling, “Careful! Careful!,” as the man holding the fishing rod shoved himself into the other man, sending both over the stern rail.
Sailfish leaps into boat; images are video screen grabs

Todd Staley, the resort’s director of fishing operations, said that this had not happened in the resort’s 15-year history until this day—when it happened twice!
The description states: “Please exercise caution when fishing for billfish. Their bills are sharp and can be very dangerous.”
Crocodile Bay Resort is located at the edge of the rainforest on Costa Rica’s Osa Peninsula, which is famous for its rich ecological biodiversity.
Beyond the bay, in the Pacific, is a seasonal feeding area for sailfish, and anglers sometimes catch and release several of the scrappy billfish per day.
The resort frowns upon keeping sailfish, and hopes that many years pass before another jumps into one of its boats.

Queen to meet pope at Vatican in April

Queen Elizabeth II will meet Pope Francis for the first time when she visits Rome in April as a guest of the Italian president, Buckingham Palace said Tuesday.
The queen and her husband Prince Philip will have an audience with the pope after attending a lunch hosted by President Giorgio Napolitano during the one-day visit on April 3.
It will be the first time that the queen, who is supreme governor of the Church of England, will meet the Roman Catholic leader since he was elected in March last year.
The trip was announced the day after it was confirmed that the queen will make a state visit to France to mark the 70th anniversary of the Normandy landings on June 5-7.
The 87-year-old monarch and her 92-year-old husband have scaled back their overseas trips in recent years, allowing heir-to-the-throne Prince Charles and other royals to represent them.
The Rome trip will be the first time that the queen will leave Britain since visiting Australia in October 2011.
The trip to the Italian capital was meant to take place in March last year but was postponed after the queen was hospitalised with gastroenteritis.
The monarch and her husband were to have received a ceremonial welcome and attended a private lunch, before visiting the Pantheon during the cancelled two-day visit.
That trip would have come a week before Pope Francis was elected, after his predecessor pope Benedict XVI resigned.
Pope Benedict made a historic state visit to Britain in 2010, taking in Edinburgh, Glasgow, London and Birmingham in a four-day trip.
It was the first state visit by a pope to Britain since King Henry VIII broke with the Catholic Church in Rome in 1534 and founded the Church of England.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Kate Middleton Should Wear Longer Skirts According to the Queen

First, Kate and Will’s press operations were taken away. And now, it would seem, their sartorial freedoms (well, Kate’s, at least) have also been curbed from on high. Royal correspondent Katie Nicholl reports in the Mail on Sunday that the Queen has issued some dictums as to how Kate should be dressed when she tours Australia in April. The upshot? The hemlines will be longer, the jewelry will be statement-ier, and there will be more tiaras than you’d find at a Miss Texas Teen U.S.A. pageant.
In order to execute this “subtle but significant regal makeover,” as theMail calls it, the Queen has charged her personal dresser, Angela Kelly, with helping to prepare Kate for the trip. The overhaul will see Kate wearing couture daytime dresses with “lower hemlines” than she typically goes for. Additionally, she will be “encouraged to wear the tiaras favored by the Queen and Queen Mother,” and will also be urged to wear “statement jewelry and gemstones from the Queen’s personal collection.” The idea here is said to be positioning Kate—currently vacationing in the Caribbean, sans William, with baby George—as “more Royal than ever,” with the “Queen . . . watching closely” (nothing about that wording sounds creepy at all!).

Thankfully, Kate seems to still have some input in what she wears, as she is said to have already approached preferred designers Alexander McQueen and Alice Termperly about creating gowns and dresses for the three-and-a-half-week trip. Additionally, her personal hairdresser, Amanda Cook Tucker, will reportedly be accompanying her on the tour. Tucker has recently “undergone training in the art of attaching a tiara” (a class we would assume is comprised almost exclusively of pop stars and six-year-olds). Listen, Queen, we can deal with the lower hemlines and tiara-palooza, we suppose, but if you come for her ringlets, you’re going to have the forces of the entire VF.com staff to answer to.